Random
You'll never go to hell -- Satan won't allow such competition.
When somebody who's deeply in love with you tells you that you're cute, beautiful, and angelic... I agree - that's true, believe me, I swear... 'Cause... Love Is Blind!!
Different types of Farter:
PRETENDER: Farts silently then acts innocent.
SHY: Farts softly then smiles.
ARROGANT: Farts loudly then laughs.
UNLUCKY: Tries to fart but shits instead.
Without foolishness, there can be no wisdom. Without Ugliness, there can be no Beauty. "Hey, the world needs you after all!"
He was in a Cafe Shop. A pretty lady was reading a book; he told her his best lines: "I'm Bond, James Bond." She looked up, smiled and replied: "Lost, get lost."
What did God say when you were growing?
Oh my! Another devil in the making!
A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pi"
Two lovers torridly kissing...
Girl: I think I swallowed your gum.
Boy: Don't worry. it's just my phlegm.
Doctor: You only have a very short time to live.
Patient: How short?
Doctor: 10
Patient: 10 what? Days?! Months? Years?!
Doctor: 9...8...7...6....
A girl was caught by her mom cutting classes.
Mom: PAK!
Daughter: Why did you slap me?
Mom: I'm doing this because I love you!
Daughter: PAK!
Mom: How dare you slap me!
Daughter: I just wanted to say that I love you too.
During the flight to USA:
Stewardess: Sir, want a chewing gum so your ear won't hurt during the flight?
Man: Thank you.
After an hour...
Man: Miss, how could I take the gums off my ears??
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back"
Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
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The Top 10 Things NOT to say to a Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"